This week was good. Props to you for that. Since we are still unemployed I felt the need to get off my butt and go do something… Sure beats pity party and job applying and watching Clean House on the couch all day. (Not that it happens all the time) Plus, you know I’m a structure person. I need a routine. I need a basic map for the day, so I know what needs to be done and I’ll do it. So I made a point to focus more on my physical and spiritual core like Christine Caine says. I got up to work out most days these week and I up’d my spiritual discipline this week. And then I served in the C3 office every day for a few hours. You know I like admin work, so that was good for me. I keep reminding myself what Pastors Jeff and Daryl say ALL the time- “You are never more like Jesus than when you SERVE.” Plus it was a great positive environment. I met some new people.
As for the spiritual discipline… It can be hard to wake up and make time to spend time with you. Just being honest. I don’t always have the desire to have a deeper and deeper intimate walk with you, especially when circumstances are crazy and crappy. Mostly it’s because I’m ADD, and there’s a little laziness in there too. But I want to. I’m praying more fervently every day that you would put a burning desire in my heart for You and the things of You. In all honesty I just want to serve You wherever. And I am finding that when I do, You show up and reveal who you are. You soften my heart. Again, I keep thinking of a brief talk in First Wednesday worship where Martha was saying when you are in a pit, when you are struggling, to PRAISE YOU ANYWAY, make an effort even when you don’t feel like it. Eventually the love and desire and the praise will come naturally, but do it anyway at first. He will honor that and will lift you up in the midst of your adversity.
I was left alone quite alot this week in the office. In the printing room or stuffing some-2,000 Strawberry Festival bags, labeling message Cd’s. Alone with my thoughts. Alone to have conversations with you. It was amazing. I got to pray over hundreds of bags that C3 will hand out. I prayed You would reveal your love and hope and yourself to each family of that bag. I believe that you will. And in that time I felt You quietly and gently whispering to me your affection, your encouragement.
Aside from our tough financial situation, and the fact I have no idea when we will come out on the other side of some of these struggles, I am grappling with some tough questions – “Do I really seek You to know You intimately and love you more? Or do I mostly seek You to get a response out of you? To get You to do something for me?” That’s hard. I already know the answer to that most of the time. Some other ones that a friend is asking, that I am now asking myself- “Are you passionate about Me or are you passionate about using the gifts you believe you have?” Or how ’bout “If I never desire to put you in a place where the gifts you think you have are used and following me means that you live outside of your comfort zone everyday, am I enough for you?”
Yeah…that’s where I am. And you know.